..:: Golden rules for finding your life partner ::..by Dov Heller, M.A.
A relationships coach who lays out his 5 golden rules for evaluating the prospects of long-term marital success. When it comes to making the decision
about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Miss Right!
If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll
say: "We're in love." I believe this is the #1 mistake people make when they
date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love. Though this may sound "not politically correct," there's a profound truth here.
Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love isthe result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: "You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone." You need a lot more!!!
QUESTION #1: Do we share a common life purpose?
Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone.What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.
Two things can happen in a marriage: (1) You can grow together, or (2)
you can grow apart. 50% of the people out there aregrowing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life! Bottom line;
and marry someone who wants the same thing.
QUESTION #2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?
This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling
safe means you can communicate openly with this person.The basis of having
good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won't get "punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.
QUESTION #3: Is he/she a mensch?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you
test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing". So ask about your significant other: What do they do
with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is
notsomeone whose top priority is character refinement.
There are essentially two types of people in the world:
(1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and
(2) people who are dedicated to seeking comfort.
Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort
ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down
QUESTION #4: How does he/she treat other people?
The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability
to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.
Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they
wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed?
To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc.?
How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them
everything; can you do nearly as much for them?
You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly, will eventually
treat you poorly as well.
QUESTION #5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?
Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve" them after they're married. As a colleague of mine puts it: "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage for the worse!" If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.
In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The
key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart.
It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating; to be sure to
ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is
a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't do your homework.
There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere relationships.